We were walking back from that famous cafe nobody visited anymore. Wedding music was playing in the background because there was a ceremony going on almost 5 feet away from the table that we had taken about 3 minutes ago. I remember we exited the cafe and walked to your car. I opened the door for myself and sat there next to you. It was dark but I could see you smile that beautiful smile of yours. Your hands gripping the steering wheel. My legs trembling like a one-way earthquake. We smiled, we laughed.. we exchanged gestures. We even accidentally drove into a graveyard and I thought maybe that happened because you were too into me but it actually happened because we couldn’t figure out how to use the GPS. Finally after roaming for another 10 minutes we reached my neighborhood there you dropped me off in that dark street to walk back home. I never told you I accidentally walked into the wrong street and it took me extra five minutes to find home. As I was roaming through the dark streets blinded by the headlights of the cars passing me by, something inside me had changed and suddenly I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought everything was okay. I thought maybe this was the stitch in time that’d save nine. I thought maybe, just maybe the cloudy sadness will vacate my head. I thought maybe just maybe it’ll be okay.
I could not have been more wrong.
I remember fragments. Rest I have forgotten. No maybe I just didn’t want to remember. Someone like you- Adele. You Ruined Me- The Veronicas. Blurred Vision. Stingy tears. Hiding my face in the pillow. 8 cuts on the wrist or maybe 11 or 14, maybe less. No text from my best friend. Numbness in my body. Tears like a cascade flowing effortlessly.
As I laid there on the cold, hard ground I learnt a lesson. A lesson that I wish I didn’t learn. A lesson like a thunderstorm flashing above my sad empty town of tears and broken hearts. I learnt that when they said “it won’t be hard” they didn’t mean “it’ll be easy”.. I learnt that the only shoulder that I can cry on is mine and the idea of relating my happiness with someone else’s temporary attention, lust, mood or happiness is absurd. I learnt that the only love that I need is self-love.
So this isn’t a “screw you” note or even worse “I hope you die alone” note. It’s a thank you note that says thank you for teaching me something no one else could teach. Thank you for giving me the strength to bear the pain that I used to have nightmares of. Thank you for making me a self-sufficient woman. Now I know the strongest weapon that I have is Me, Myself and I.
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd.