I woke up to the banging sound of my window. I realized it was a little too windy outside. I got up and locked it.
I love wind. I mean I think it’s the only thing that actually has the tendency to blow away one’s mind and that includes all the worries, miseries and tensions residing in that mind. Remember the scene in titanic where Jack and Rose spread their arms, standing at the edge of the ship and felt like they were flying? yeah, that’s how I feel every time it’s windy outside. I just wanna spread my arms in the air and yell at the top of my lungs whatever comes to my mouth. I remember doing that with two of my friends while I stood over a flyover passing over one of the main roads. We cursed out loud and burst into fits of laughter. I felt so relieved that I didn’t wanna leave but eventually it started raining and I ran back home. That’s the thing about rain. It comes in like an unbidden visitor and ruins everything. Anyway I made a cup of coffee and went to the front terrace of my apartment. That was the moment I stared at the sky and I could see the clouds cutting themselves loose like a woman coming to a bar to have drinks after a long day at work.
“Why do I hate rain?” I asked myself.
There are people all around the world praying for rain but I just don’t want a single raindrop to touch my skin.. I see it like the sky is crying. I’d never let myself get drenched in someone else’s tears.
As much as I like wind I love thundering more. The thing about thundering is that it feels like the sky is screaming and I don’t know why but for me screaming is hundred times better than crying. Screaming is a result of aggression or something but tears mean you’re weak. At least that’s what I used to think. I was afraid of being declared as a weak person that everything that had even minor signs of weakness had me running miles away from them. My friends thought of me as the strongest girl they ever got to meet hence I made a petty image in my head that how being strong was the only option and how one was safer with one’s guards always up.
I looked up at the sky and saw the lady in the bar ready to order her drinks but I wasn’t ready for that mental torture that the world thought of as “blessing” so I just stood there and prayed it won’t rain but as I saw the rain drops falling on the ground like stones being thrown at the humans living below by the superior people in the sky, each drop falling on the ground like a predator inserting its teeth in its pray I closed my eyes for what seemed like eternity and tried to absorb the idea that everything around me was crying and I had to tell myself to be okay with it.
I remember thinking,,
Everything is crying. Why is everything crying? Are they crying out of pain? Are they crying out of loss or something else? How do I stop the crying? What does it take to make a whole blanket of fluffy cotton clouds in the distant dark sky to stop crying? For a minute there, I felt a rain inside my head that had over-flooded my mind with thoughts.
Maybe these thoughts come to me because of my bipolar syndrome or my OCD but I know these thoughts are always there but in that very moment they were killing me.
How do you stop the sky from crying? You don’t.
Sometimes you can’t stop the pain, the crying, the suffering. All you can do is share the pain, the crying and the suffering. Sometimes you have to be a shoulder to cry on for someone else. Sometimes you just can’t do anything but be drenched in something that you don’t like and just hope for it to go away. So I just stood there letting the raindrops fall on my face and I stood there telling the crying sky “I’m here for you”. I allowed myself to get wet in order to share the sky’s pain and when the sky was done crying and I was done getting soaked I felt one thing “redemption”
I had freed myself from the fear and the hatred I had for being weak. I was as free as the birds flying in the sky after the rain stopped falling. I redeemed myself from the thoughts that my OCD and bipolarity had brought with them.