It was a very cold December night when I received a news that shattered me into so many pieces that even after six years of trying to put myself together piece by piece I still don’t feel whole.

I have a vivid memory of that day. I can still hear my sister telling me that my best friend passed away. I remember gasping for air but still not being able to breathe. I still remember the coldness from the bathroom floor creeping up into my bones as I tried to sleep there instead of my bed because my room smelled like him. I wanted to get away from him, his memories and his scent because for some reason despite dying he was still there. I remember my family telling me that you don’t die with the dead. But I think I died a little that day.

I have always been proficient in writing but when it comes to him I struggle to formulate sentences that can encompass the grief I feel every time he crosses my mind. There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t looked for him in the strangers around me, I still look out the window while driving past our old school’s playground where we had so many fights over volley ball, I still listen to his favorite songs religiously and I still watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S and try to recall the parts that used to make him laugh. I miss him so much.

I remember being so angry after he left. I was just so angry at him for choosing to walk through the light over me and at myself for not telling him what he really meant to me. For not telling him that he was actually a good singer, that he actually had a great shoe collection and that when I scrunched my nose in resentment after he booped it it was an act because I secretly liked it.

Although I get better and stronger everyday he still lives somewhere in the back of my mind. I just hope whoever reads this learns that it is important to hold your loved ones close. Tell them you love them today and everyday.


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