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I Give Up

Growing up while witnessing affliction every day either live or through the T.V screen , I developed a vision to change the world, to obliterate the sufferings and to spread felicity. I thought if I could feel someone else’s pain I would feel their happiness too. So I set out on a journey to change the world and make it a better place.

In the book, The One Who Walk Away From Omelas the writer has given a description of a euphoric place Omelas where everything is perfect and everyone is happy but this happiness requires a sacrifice. That sacrifice is a little child. Suffering of a little child trapped under that town resulted in the happiness of the whole population.

If I had a choice I’d be that child. Infact I tried to be that child but my suffering remain mine and it made nothing better. After trying and failing in my ambition for years now I’m looking for signs from God to tell me not to give up but I see no signs. The only thing that I see, trapped at the bottom of a dark deep ditch people call failure, is the moon and my failed ambition to change the world staring back at me. Where are the signs? I see no signs.

So tonight I’ll just sit here and pretend everything is fine even if it’s not. I know it’s not. I’ll turn off the news channels, I’ll blind myself to this world where children are crying, women are screaming and soldiers are dying every second. I’ll pretend everything is fine because I can’t change anything. I tried everything in my power to lessen the sufferings but I didn’t succeed. So I’ll just sit on the cold hard ground with my eyes closed, feeling the cold embrace of my own hands against my waist and I’ll pretend I never wanted to change the world. I’ll try to forget my war against the world. I’ll pretend I never started one.
I give up on you, Oh world.

I give up on you and your people.

I give up.

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With love, Your Fangirl.

Who am I, you may ask.

I am just a face that tears up when you grab the mic.

I am the loudest cry in the room when your name comes in a conversation.

I am the delusional soul that has made a home for you in her imaginations.

I am a girl who hugs her pillow to sleep wondering what it would be like to be in your embrace.

I am the muffled cry when your clumsy self trips on the stage.

I am your captor who has kept the thought of you hostage in the four walls of her mind.

I am the cheeks that blush when I break down the lyrics to your songs.

I am the tear that falls when you cry and lips that smile when you smile.

Who am I, you may ask.

I am someone you don’t even know exists.

With Love,

Your fangirl.

I understand that this is so cheeky that I have puked in my mouth while writing it but lately I’ve developed an obsession with BTS and K-pop so I’m literally a fangirl now. It’s not the first time that I have developed obsession with a celebrity and it definitely won’t be the last time and I know many teenage girls who can relate.

So I thought maybe I should give this feeling some words. 

Kim-Namjoon I’m in love with you. 😭 *Sighs*

Spotting The Serpents

It’s been almost a year since I have moved out of my parents’ home. The thing about moving out is that the moment we step out of our comfort-zone we question what will happen and you know what eventually life happens whether we like it or not.

In the last few months, I have learnt many things not as a lesson always, sometimes it was just bestowed about me as an advice from either myself or from a random good-for-nothing someone. (Tip: Hear everyone closely sometimes even the fools say the wisest things)

I’ve been reflecting upon this particular quote.

When you’re pointing a finger at someone you also have three fingers pointing back at you.

– Anonymous

Everytime anything goes wrong we feel obligated to blame someone else as if we are being devoured by the tormenting desire to point our fingers in someone else’s direction akin to a bow that always shoots the arrow away from the shooter and never in reverse. THIS! THIS RIGHT HERE! This is the social evil that goes unacknowledged.

The thing is that we refrain from any sort of self-analysis or acknowledgement of our own flaws. We don’t have the will to commence a quest for our flaws and shortcomings. Even in group projects one person does the work and rest take the credit, and even then on getting Grade A we don’t thank them but on getting B we religiously fulfill our obligation to remind them that we could’ve done better. Unfortunately I’ve made acquaintance with a girl in my class who always plays the victim as if everyone in her life played her. In the beginning I bought all what she said but later I realized she’s the one doing everyone wrong. It is so easy for her to point out everyone’s flaws and slander them for things they didn’t even do.

At many other occasions I’ve seen people talk about other people as the ones who entered their lives as friends and left as Serpents. My perception that maybe the book is what it’s cover shows has literally changed to never judge the book by it’s cover and in real life not even by the story it tells unless you can identify the truth from the lies. If you look closer you’ll see the world as I see it.

I see the world as a place full of bloody venomous fanged mouths prodigiously accusing others of being the serpents.

It’s time we dedicate at least a trifle amount of our time everyday to reflect on our actions and maybe learn to take 50% responsibility when things go wrong instead of being in denial with our fingers pointing in any direction but ours.
Sometimes we can be the villain of someone’s story but why be the snake in the grass when we can be the predator who attacks from upfront?

I’d rather be a straight up enemy to someone than be an unloyal friend and I’d rather express my hatred to someone’s face than slander them behind their backs.

Yes, I have cancer.

On February 1, 16 we were given the results of my biopsy. My mother seemed quite disturbed. I, on the other hand oblivious of the medical terms being used was quite confident that my mother was over-reacting over some sort of ordinary infection as always. (Mothers I tell you!) Till three days later when it was revealed to me that torrents of torment were about to flood my life alongside chemotherapy and a year off from college.. 

Reflecting back, I was as thankless as a serpent. A rebellious teenager telling my parents I hated them and how my life was pathetic and now? I long for one chance, just one chance that I know I’m not destined to be granted. How for once I want to be my old self again just to make things right but I can’t.. How I desire what every human being takes forgranted.. health.

– While I’m sitting here hairless, smelling like a whole damn hospital, they’re flaunting their Victoria’s Secret merch.

-While all the people my age are staying up till midnight, flirting with their crushes, my internet search history comprises of some dark and twisty things that end up relating to death one way or another.

-As the world goes to sleep promising a better tomorrow, I sleep wondering if there will be one for me or not.

-Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night.. Oh! Not by the vibration of a text but by the affliction caused by myriads of hypothetical wrecking balls set on fire blasting my body.
-While they are complaining how their friends have turned out to be traitors, I can’t even commence to elaborate what it’s like to have your own body betray you in comparison.

-While my family is telling me sleep fights cancer I no longer want to fight cancer. Let it win already!

Next time you cry over someone  who doesn’t notice you or because you can’t afford the latest iPhone remember there’s always someone fighting a tougher battle than you. I have everything in my life from love to wealth. The only thing that I’m deprived of is time and I’d do anything to be anyone but me right now but unfortunately I can’t.

You think life is unfair? Wait till you have cancer. ( I hope you don’t though) *sighs* me and my sense of humor. 

EDITED:

After my previous article Yes, I was raped. I decided to use the first person narration again to make it more effective for the readers but as everyone in the comment section is asking me about my health let me clarify.

This is the story of my maternal aunt who was the same age as me when she went through this. She was diagnosed with leukemia and she lost the battle against cancer on 3rd February that year ( REST IN PEACE).. she left a void inside my chest and I wrote this article using first person narration to make it more affective for the readers and to see myself in her shoes.. Thank you for showing concern it means a lot. ❤

Whereas me? I’m living a healthy life..

Depression Isn’t Sadness

​Depression isn’t sadness.. 

It’s being stranded on an island oblivious how you got there and how you’ll get out of there..
It’s not being able to sleep because of the urge to cry the tears that never seem to leave your lashes..
It’s feeling like a hypocrite everytime you laugh because you can find something funny but you don’t deserve even a second’s happiness..

It’s knowing that everyone can see how broken you are but being proud you passed another day without falling apart in front of them..

It’s a thick fog that bounds you to a dark place and blinds you to the light around you.

It’s like a broken television that has a pitch black screen that you can’t help but stare at.

Depression is that kid in the playground who pretends to be your friend but steals your toys.

Depression is being sad about being sad but not knowing why you’re sad..

yet depression isn’t sadness.

Life isn’t about finding felicity it’s about obviating melancholy.

Outgrowing Myself.

Remember that article of clothing  your mom bought for you when you were a kid that you fell in love with? Whether you over-wore it or under-wore it eventually that inevitable day arrived when you outgrew it.

In a book that I read recently the author talked about outgrowing her childhood best friend. You know how the one you thought was your partner in crime and your soulmate turns into a stranger, an acquaintance or a foe. I could relate to it more than I wanted to but after pondering upon this I realized I didn’t outgrow them, I outgrew myself.

In my initial teenage, I was a stereotypical, attention seeking girl with social circle bigger than an Indian family; oh the number of followers and likes were always booming. I posed to be someone I wasn’t, chasing trends, seeking approval from friends ( who were also fake), going to extreme levels to improve my dressing, acting like a rich kid with an adventurous life on social sites and longing to meet the modern standards of life.

In the blink of an eye, I have transformed into something new, something I like to call the “real” me. I have freed myself from the pressure to be perfect now that I’ve outgrown my younger self.
If my 16 year old self could see me she’d be stunned and probably would call me a 49 years old, boring cat-lady because this real me is everything that my younger self wasn’t.
I can go outside without feeling the need to look like a preposterous ramp walking model. 99 likes on a selfie don’t make me feel like I’m a displeasing embodiment of ugliness walking on  Earth and 100+ likes don’t make me feel the opposite. Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner aren’t the standards of beauty for me. My social circle is smaller than the keyhole in my  cupboard. Now I set my own bars and I like them low and authentically achievable.  “What will people say?” is the last thing on my mind.

Maturity or ignorance? I’m not sure what this is but I’m stronger than ever.

Something New, Something Special. (Part-2/2)

“What have they done to deserve this affliction?”

“What have I done to deserve these privileges?”

Part#2

This question is akin to questioning the very existence of our universe.

Like, Why did God make this world so colourful when the world could easily survive being monochromatic?

Why are there four states of matter when He could just make a single state & bless us with the strength to survive in it?

Why are there so many skin colours due to which white men are claimed to be superior & black inferior whereas brown skinned people like us are standing somewhere in between but still closer to latter.

It’s futile to ask such questions because a human brain isn’t developed enough to interpret the sagacity behind Almighty’s creation.

What if I tell you God has made us different looking forward to the day when the difference won’t matter and we’ll be humans first and rest of the things later?

It’s true we can’t control the natural casualties but what about the man-made catastrophe? Instead of debating that which President & PM will be better to improve our country how about we become the figures to improve not just our country but the world.

-Guys, it’s time we save a bit money from our pocket money for the people who sleep hungry at night.

-It’s time we volunteer to provide assistance & coordination in different orphanages & hospitals.

-It’s time we stop treating victims like they’re victims & start applauding them for being survivors.

-It’s time we stop letting money, colour and creed define our compatibility with others.

-It’s time we promote love by respecting each other’s differences and over-looking them when necessary.

-It’s time we stop depending on Trump, Clinton, Modi, Khan or Shareef for change and become the change.

-It’s time we start something new, something special.