I Wasn’t Transforming I Was Hating (Part-1/2)

8:25 am

A chill ran down my spine as I approached my friend who just collapsed on the floor without a warning. I try to pick her up but she slips from my embrace back on the ground making a thud sound. Helpless, I move back as other people help her up. I just stand there shivering. No one knows what I know. The doctors had said that due to a non-operatable cyst in one of the critical parts of her hindbrain she won’t be able to live for long. I know this other people in the room don’t.
Is she dying?

9: 15 am

She survives.

She’s fine now.

I’m focusing on keeping my breathing normal and I keep staring at the teacher not hearing what he’s saying.

2:00 pm

I go back to my dorm, lie down on my unmade bed and try to disappear in the sheets. I fall asleep and I’m floating or it’s just a dream.

4: 30 pm

I’m at the bank of a river holding on to something, I’m coughing as if I was drowning & someone pulled me out of the water. I look back and I see my family drowning. 

I’m helpless once again.  

I wake up. 

It was a nightmare, a recurring one. I think it’s because I can’t recover from the time I almost drowned but didn’t.

I get up make myself a cup of tea and go out for a walk. 

5:00 pm

There’s something stuck at the back of my mind it seems to be there since the night my sister’s friend died right after taking her very last examination of MBBS. (Dr. Arooj I hope you’re at a better place) 

As I take another sip of my tea I realise what’s bothering me. It’s a comment someone left on my blog.

What was the comment?

Something about hate.

Who hated whom?

Then it comes to me, a vivid recollection of a comment saying there’s too much hatred in my writing.

“Rubbish!”, I whisper, ” It’s not hate, I tell people to keep their guards up that’s not hating.. that’s protecting. I don’t promote hate, do I? It’s called playing safe.”

Now, I’m not sure if I believe this or am just trying to make myself believe this.

So was it all hatred that I developed inside me that I proudly called my transformation?

Part-2 ahead.


So What Happened Was

As she collapsed on the floor

I remember finding myself next to her

Contemplating all the times 

When I was down on my knees

And she was there for me..
When I couldn’t pick her up

Or warm up her cold hands

The sad truth hit me that

I was of no help to her

And as I looked around I realised

That without her no amount of air
In the world

Could help me breathe 

So I sat there trembling on the floor

Waiting for a miracle to occur

It’s my birthday| Turning 21 and what I learnt.

Last year on my birthday, I was constantly wishing that it would be my last birthday. I practically made a plan to make it my last one. I remember looking at my friends thinking how oblivious they were that they had limited number of days with me. How oblivious they were of almost everything about me but the truth was that I was the oblivious one because I actually didn’t know what the future held for me. Therefore this birthday marks the realization of the power of time, as it is the best healer, for me.

The drastic shift of my mental condition during these 365 days depends on the following things. These are the things that I learnt this year.

Depression can be a place and the people living there. Sometimes it’s not self-made. Sometimes it’s a place that sucks every drop of positivity out of you just upon enterance. Surround yourself in people who make you happy.
Friendship and Love is irrelevant: They say that a life without friendship isn’t worth living because friends make life better. Then howcome the deepest stabs in my back are from my “friends'” knives? They also say You ain’t nobody till you got somebody but I say you are somebody when you got your own self by your side through thick and thin.
Cutting people off: You don’t owe anyone any explanation as to why you’re kicking them out of your life. If someone gives you bad vibes kick them the hell out. It’s your life. Better to play safe now than to regret later.
Keep your expectations lower: I know people tend to say that a lot and it’s almost humanly impossible to be a social animal and not have expectations from fellow social animals but you have to try one day you will stop expecting, believe me. 
Creat a camouflage: Camouflage yourself into someone who doesn’t care even if you do. If that’ll be your image no one will hurt you as they’ll know you’re unbreakable anyway. If people think you’re vulnerable they’ll try to break you. Who would want to hurt the snow queen anyway?

Suicide shouldn’t be an option. No matter what you’re going through. There will come a time that the thing that’s stinging you will stop stinging. It can be a matter of days, weeks, months or maybe a complete year.
Be you and do you. Never compare yourself with anyone else.

This is me laughing through the pain because the candles wouldn’t cooperate 😂

Be happy and content!

I Hope 2018

Although time is just an abstract concept created by humans in order to keep track of scenarios taking place in the world, new year still holds a very significant place in all of our lives. Hence I pray;

Before the clock strikes twelve tonight I hope you learn to accept the fact that doing the things we swore we’d never do is a part of growing up; an essential part.

So I hope that you forgive yourself for the actions that you recall as mistakes from your past, I hope you forget the reason that you beat yourself down and deem yourself incapable of standing back up. I hope you learn that you’re alive and that’s a big deal. I hope you learn that you’re self-sufficient and you don’t need no one else in the world. Know that friendship is irrelevant and is an obstacle in the way to your betterment. (Okay, maybe this one’s only for me)

I hope you know that your own will to live to your fullest must be the ultimate necessity for your survival. I hope that in this world of predators the last thing you choose to be is a prey.

I Give Up

Growing up while witnessing affliction every day either live or through the T.V screen , I developed a vision to change the world, to obliterate the sufferings and to spread felicity. I thought if I could feel someone else’s pain I would feel their happiness too. So I set out on a journey to change the world and make it a better place.

In the book, The One Who Walk Away From Omelas the writer has given a description of a euphoric place Omelas where everything is perfect and everyone is happy but this happiness requires a sacrifice. That sacrifice is a little child. Suffering of a little child trapped under that town resulted in the happiness of the whole population.

If I had a choice I’d be that child. Infact I tried to be that child but my suffering remain mine and it made nothing better. After trying and failing in my ambition for years now I’m looking for signs from God to tell me not to give up but I see no signs. The only thing that I see, trapped at the bottom of a dark deep ditch people call failure, is the moon and my failed ambition to change the world staring back at me. Where are the signs? I see no signs.

So tonight I’ll just sit here and pretend everything is fine even if it’s not. I know it’s not. I’ll turn off the news channels, I’ll blind myself to this world where children are crying, women are screaming and soldiers are dying every second. I’ll pretend everything is fine because I can’t change anything. I tried everything in my power to lessen the sufferings but I didn’t succeed. So I’ll just sit on the cold hard ground with my eyes closed, feeling the cold embrace of my own hands against my waist and I’ll pretend I never wanted to change the world. I’ll try to forget my war against the world. I’ll pretend I never started one.
I give up on you, Oh world.

I give up on you and your people.

I give up.

With love, Your Fangirl.

Who am I, you may ask.

I am just a face that tears up when you grab the mic.

I am the loudest cry in the room when your name comes in a conversation.

I am the delusional soul that has made a home for you in her imaginations.

I am a girl who hugs her pillow to sleep wondering what it would be like to be in your embrace.

I am the muffled cry when your clumsy self trips on the stage.

I am your captor who has kept the thought of you hostage in the four walls of her mind.

I am the cheeks that blush when I break down the lyrics to your songs.

I am the tear that falls when you cry and lips that smile when you smile.

Who am I, you may ask.

I am someone you don’t even know exists.

With Love,

Your fangirl.

I understand that this is so cheeky that I have puked in my mouth while writing it but lately I’ve developed an obsession with BTS and K-pop so I’m literally a fangirl now. It’s not the first time that I have developed obsession with a celebrity and it definitely won’t be the last time and I know many teenage girls who can relate.

So I thought maybe I should give this feeling some words. 

Kim-Namjoon I’m in love with you. 😭 *Sighs*

Spotting The Serpents

It’s been almost a year since I have moved out of my parents’ home. The thing about moving out is that the moment we step out of our comfort-zone we question what will happen and you know what eventually life happens whether we like it or not.

In the last few months, I have learnt many things not as a lesson always, sometimes it was just bestowed about me as an advice from either myself or from a random good-for-nothing someone. (Tip: Hear everyone closely sometimes even the fools say the wisest things)

I’ve been reflecting upon this particular quote.

When you’re pointing a finger at someone you also have three fingers pointing back at you.

– Anonymous

Everytime anything goes wrong we feel obligated to blame someone else as if we are being devoured by the tormenting desire to point our fingers in someone else’s direction akin to a bow that always shoots the arrow away from the shooter and never in reverse. THIS! THIS RIGHT HERE! This is the social evil that goes unacknowledged.

The thing is that we refrain from any sort of self-analysis or acknowledgement of our own flaws. We don’t have the will to commence a quest for our flaws and shortcomings. Even in group projects one person does the work and rest take the credit, and even then on getting Grade A we don’t thank them but on getting B we religiously fulfill our obligation to remind them that we could’ve done better. Unfortunately I’ve made acquaintance with a girl in my class who always plays the victim as if everyone in her life played her. In the beginning I bought all what she said but later I realized she’s the one doing everyone wrong. It is so easy for her to point out everyone’s flaws and slander them for things they didn’t even do.

At many other occasions I’ve seen people talk about other people as the ones who entered their lives as friends and left as Serpents. My perception that maybe the book is what it’s cover shows has literally changed to never judge the book by it’s cover and in real life not even by the story it tells unless you can identify the truth from the lies. If you look closer you’ll see the world as I see it.

I see the world as a place full of bloody venomous fanged mouths prodigiously accusing others of being the serpents.

It’s time we dedicate at least a trifle amount of our time everyday to reflect on our actions and maybe learn to take 50% responsibility when things go wrong instead of being in denial with our fingers pointing in any direction but ours.
Sometimes we can be the villain of someone’s story but why be the snake in the grass when we can be the predator who attacks from upfront?

I’d rather be a straight up enemy to someone than be an unloyal friend and I’d rather express my hatred to someone’s face than slander them behind their backs.