A chill ran down my spine as I approached my friend who just collapsed on the floor without a warning. I try to pick her up but she slips from my embrace back on the ground making a thud sound. Helpless, I move back as other people help her up. I just stand there shivering. No one knows what I know. The doctors had said that due to a non-operatable cyst in one of the critical parts of her hindbrain she won’t be able to live for long. I know this other people in the room don’t.
Is she dying?
9: 15 am
She’s fine now.
I’m focusing on keeping my breathing normal and I keep staring at the teacher not hearing what he’s saying.
I go back to my dorm, lie down on my unmade bed and try to disappear in the sheets. I fall asleep and I’m floating or it’s just a dream.
4: 30 pm
I’m at the bank of a river holding on to something, I’m coughing as if I was drowning & someone pulled me out of the water. I look back and I see my family drowning.
I’m helpless once again.
I wake up.
It was a nightmare, a recurring one. I think it’s because I can’t recover from the time I almost drowned but didn’t.
I get up make myself a cup of tea and go out for a walk.
There’s something stuck at the back of my mind it seems to be there since the night my sister’s friend died right after taking her very last examination of MBBS. (Dr. Arooj I hope you’re at a better place)
As I take another sip of my tea I realise what’s bothering me. It’s a comment someone left on my blog.
What was the comment?
Something about hate.
Who hated whom?
Then it comes to me, a vivid recollection of a comment saying there’s too much hatred in my writing.
“Rubbish!”, I whisper, ” It’s not hate, I tell people to keep their guards up that’s not hating.. that’s protecting. I don’t promote hate, do I? It’s called playing safe.”
Now, I’m not sure if I believe this or am just trying to make myself believe this.
So was it all hatred that I developed inside me that I proudly called my transformation?