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Yes, I have cancer.

On February 1, 16 we were given the results of my biopsy. My mother seemed quite disturbed. I, on the other hand oblivious of the medical terms being used was quite confident that my mother was over-reacting over some sort of ordinary infection as always. (Mothers I tell you!) Till three days later when it was revealed to me that torrents of torment were about to flood my life alongside chemotherapy and a year off from college.. 

Reflecting back, I was as thankless as a serpent. A rebellious teenager telling my parents I hated them and how my life was pathetic and now? I long for one chance, just one chance that I know I’m not destined to be granted. How for once I want to be my old self again just to make things right but I can’t.. How I desire what every human being takes forgranted.. health.

– While I’m sitting here hairless, smelling like a whole damn hospital, they’re flaunting their Victoria’s Secret merch.

-While all the people my age are staying up till midnight, flirting with their crushes, my internet search history comprises of some dark and twisty things that end up relating to death one way or another.

-As the world goes to sleep promising a better tomorrow, I sleep wondering if there will be one for me or not.

-Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night.. Oh! Not by the vibration of a text but by the affliction caused by myriads of hypothetical wrecking balls set on fire blasting my body.
-While they are complaining how their friends have turned out to be traitors, I can’t even commence to elaborate what it’s like to have your own body betray you in comparison.

-While my family is telling me sleep fights cancer I no longer want to fight cancer. Let it win already!

Next time you cry over someone  who doesn’t notice you or because you can’t afford the latest iPhone remember there’s always someone fighting a tougher battle than you. I have everything in my life from love to wealth. The only thing that I’m deprived of is time and I’d do anything to be anyone but me right now but unfortunately I can’t.

You think life is unfair? Wait till you have cancer. ( I hope you don’t though) *sighs* me and my sense of humor. 

EDITED:

After my previous article Yes, I was raped. I decided to use the first person narration again to make it more effective for the readers but as everyone in the comment section is asking me about my health let me clarify.

This is the story of my maternal aunt who was the same age as me when she went through this. She was diagnosed with leukemia and she lost the battle against cancer on 3rd February that year ( REST IN PEACE).. she left a void inside my chest and I wrote this article using first person narration to make it more affective for the readers and to see myself in her shoes.. Thank you for showing concern it means a lot. ❤

Whereas me? I’m living a healthy life..

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Depression Isn’t Sadness

​Depression isn’t sadness.. 

It’s being stranded on an island oblivious how you got there and how you’ll get out of there..
It’s not being able to sleep because of the urge to cry the tears that never seem to leave your lashes..
It’s feeling like a hypocrite everytime you laugh because you can find something funny but you don’t deserve even a second’s happiness..

It’s knowing that everyone can see how broken you are but being proud you passed another day without falling apart in front of them..

It’s a thick fog that bounds you to a dark place and blinds you to the light around you.

It’s like a broken television that has a pitch black screen that you can’t help but stare at.

Depression is that kid in the playground who pretends to be your friend but steals your toys.

Depression is being sad about being sad but not knowing why you’re sad..

yet depression isn’t sadness.

Life isn’t about finding felicity it’s about obviating melancholy.

Outgrowing Myself.

Remember that article of clothing  your mom bought for you when you were a kid that you fell in love with? Whether you over-wore it or under-wore it eventually that inevitable day arrived when you outgrew it.

In a book that I read recently the author talked about outgrowing her childhood best friend. You know how the one you thought was your partner in crime and your soulmate turns into a stranger, an acquaintance or a foe. I could relate to it more than I wanted to but after pondering upon this I realized I didn’t outgrow them, I outgrew myself.

In my initial teenage, I was a stereotypical, attention seeking girl with social circle bigger than an Indian family; oh the number of followers and likes were always booming. I posed to be someone I wasn’t, chasing trends, seeking approval from friends ( who were also fake), going to extreme levels to improve my dressing, acting like a rich kid with an adventurous life on social sites and longing to meet the modern standards of life.

In the blink of an eye, I have transformed into something new, something I like to call the “real” me. I have freed myself from the pressure to be perfect now that I’ve outgrown my younger self.
If my 16 year old self could see me she’d be stunned and probably would call me a 49 years old, boring cat-lady because this real me is everything that my younger self wasn’t.
I can go outside without feeling the need to look like a preposterous ramp walking model. 99 likes on a selfie don’t make me feel like I’m a displeasing embodiment of ugliness walking on  Earth and 100+ likes don’t make me feel the opposite. Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner aren’t the standards of beauty for me. My social circle is smaller than the keyhole in my  cupboard. Now I set my own bars and I like them low and authentically achievable.  “What will people say?” is the last thing on my mind.

Maturity or ignorance? I’m not sure what this is but I’m stronger than ever.

Something New, Something Special. (Part-2/2)

“What have they done to deserve this affliction?”

“What have I done to deserve these privileges?”

Part#2

This question is akin to questioning the very existence of our universe.

Like, Why did God make this world so colourful when the world could easily survive being monochromatic?

Why are there four states of matter when He could just make a single state & bless us with the strength to survive in it?

Why are there so many skin colours due to which white men are claimed to be superior & black inferior whereas brown skinned people like us are standing somewhere in between but still closer to latter.

It’s futile to ask such questions because a human brain isn’t developed enough to interpret the sagacity behind Almighty’s creation.

What if I tell you God has made us different looking forward to the day when the difference won’t matter and we’ll be humans first and rest of the things later?

It’s true we can’t control the natural casualties but what about the man-made catastrophe? Instead of debating that which President & PM will be better to improve our country how about we become the figures to improve not just our country but the world.

-Guys, it’s time we save a bit money from our pocket money for the people who sleep hungry at night.

-It’s time we volunteer to provide assistance & coordination in different orphanages & hospitals.

-It’s time we stop treating victims like they’re victims & start applauding them for being survivors.

-It’s time we stop letting money, colour and creed define our compatibility with others.

-It’s time we promote love by respecting each other’s differences and over-looking them when necessary.

-It’s time we stop depending on Trump, Clinton, Modi, Khan or Shareef for change and become the change.

-It’s time we start something new, something special. 

What Have I Done To Deserve This? (Part-1/2)

Here’s the thing I’m not a good person, never was & probably never will be but I’m sitting under a roof safe and sound with food to eat and clothes to wear. While me and so many people like me are enjoying these privileges..

-A child downtown is being abused..

-Somewhere in the neighborhood a family is sleeping hungry because they can’t afford food for tonight..

-The woman next door is a victim of constant domestic violence..

-Somewhere someone’s daughter is holding a blade to her wrist..

-Somewhere in the world an innocent woman is being rapped..

-Somewhere near me a sick minded person is abusing an animal for his own benefits..

-Somewhere a pair of teenage siblings has become a pair of orphans due to a car crash..

-In the hospital downtown a  teenager has lost his battle with cancer..

Terrible, terrible inevitable things are happening while I sit here safe and sound oblivious of the chaos around me..

But tonight is one of those nights when the void inside my chest is deeper, more painful and hollower than ever.

Tonight I sit here thinking 

“What have they done to deserve this affliction?”

But the more relatable question is

“What have I done to deserve these privileges?”

I can’t find the answer and my mind is as blank as the void in my chest because I am not at all a better human than those people then why the difference?
Part#2 will be up soon.

Thoughts After My Near Death Experience. (Drowning)

Dear Stranger Who Once Claimed To Love me,

Two days back I almost drowned in the fast rushing water along with half of my family. As two days have passed and my bruised and afflicted body has overcome the state of petrification, vague thoughts have become quite vivid. You know the worst and best part of it was that if I had died I would’ve died trying to save the people I love. I’m proud of myself for being alive and I would’ve been proud if I had died because I would’ve died for “love”.

48 hours after that incident the ruthless rain with thunder storm accompaniment outside my window has forced me to think about you.

It afflicts my tormented soul to think that..

... I would’ve died in the blues and you would’ve stayed alive oblivious of the burns, scars and pain you caused me every single day after you decided to pack your things and depart from my life without giving me any sort of justification. Was I not even worth saying goodbye to?

…I would’ve died without showing you the holes you made in my heart that nothing in the world can refill…

…oh and how my eyes have cried for nights flooding my own room with the memories of your whispers feeding my soul those sweet beautiful lies that my ears longed to hear…

.. how the smell of your body lingering through every corner of my house hits me like a hammer on my naive heart breaking it into thousands and thousands of pieces everytime I gasp for air..

.. how many a days I drowned myself in the shattered pieces of the promises you made and broke without a hint of guilt…

… I would’ve died and you would’ve remained oblivious of the suffering that you caused me…

..  but the truth is that you already know of the suffering you just don’t care. This thought gave me pause or at least a lash of sentimental static that I can’t quite elaborate in words right now.. alive or not either way love would’ve been the death of me…

Anyway the good part is that I made it out alive. You know when I was pulled out of water to the shore gasping out loud resting my body on a huge rock I knew this wasn’t just an ordinary accident. I knew God had given me and my family another chance and an another life.

I don’t know what I’ll do in this second life of mine but I’m pretty sure you don’t belong in this one so I just wrote this to tell you that when I was struggling in the gushing water a part of me drowned and that’s the part that onced longed for you.

Good bye.

 Never going near water ever again.

Approval Comes From Within.

She was scrolling through her facebook newsfeed when she came across the pictures of the party thrown about three days ago. She was very excited to see the pictures and clicked the album without wasting a single second.  As the torment of familiar faces came pouring down on her computer screen there was one face that she didn’t like ironically that was the face she was most familiar with. There between flood of human faces it was her own face that made her cringe a bit inside. She saw all other smiling faces of her friends with smudged make up and messed up hair but it was her own face that looked the most messed up. Then her gaze fell on another picture of her in which she’s standing there with her arms around Alina’s neck. She looked so fat and so small.
She checked the privacy status of those pictures; Public.
“Oh My God! How many people will see that ugly face of mine!” She screamed.
“How can I look pretty when God has made me this way? I can’t go for a plastic surgery.”

She was now lying on the floor looking at the fan , tears welled up in her eyes. She looked at the ton of make-up set up on her dressing table and thought to herself that how these expensive cosmetics were of no use to her natural ugliness. Days passed and everyday she kept caking her face with make-up and putting a smile on like a cherry at the top of that cake.. and this kept going on for days. No one actually ever commented on her but she always thought that maybe people were gossiping behind her back about her make-up being too cake-y or that how she was so artificial.

One day she read a quote in one of the self-help books “Approval comes from within”

Voice of silence that echoed more than her anguish screams. A drum beating advisor appeared within herself and whispered near her ear, whisper or epiphany?

As you can tell everything changed from that moment and the preposterous dressing and make-up routines were replaced by satisfaction and happiness. She walked the streets with her head held up high and her chest swollen with pride of being “herself” in the world of stereotypes.

Thank you Bashar for helping me out with this one.❤