The feeling that you have failed the people who blindly believed in you even more than you yourself did is agonizing. The only thing worse than this is being belittled by the same people who once used to glorify you, betting that you would be very successful one day.
After practically failing every trial that my life threw at me I somehow ended up in NUML (National University of Modern Languages) and this led to the renaissance of my inner artist, innovator & knowledge seeker. The only thing that I had in my mind was that I had to BE someone, not just anyone___ someone. I didn’t do really amazing in my first semester as I was really distracted by family issues, counseling and adapting a new environment. In the second semester, I felt this pressure that I call pressure to be perfect. I was at a stage where I overestimated the need of being perfect overlooking the fact that the state of “perfection” doesn’t really exist in real life. So I commenced my quest of perfection.
You might think this effort of achieving perfection probably led me to betterment but no, it ended up in me being deprived of the sensation that you get when you’re living in the moment because all I would do was think about my future and imagine it in my head. Hence, I developed the sickest anxiety accompanied by recurring panic attacks and somewhat partial insomnia.
During the final exam of 2nd semester, a teacher started yelling “STOP WRITING… THE TIME IS OVER!!” (That teacher was somewhat a scary looking, big-mouthed over-efficient lady) This induced an uncanny sensation of shivering in my right arm that remained for three months. Finally, I went to the doctor and she told me they were stressed induced tremors due to anxiety. She told me I had been holding too much inside me for too long and it was about time that, like a can of coke that has been shaken vigorously, I burst out all the things that I had been keeping inside for last decade and a half.
After this it was a period of recurring nightmares, tremors in my limbs, self-harm, panic attacks ,almost throwing up in front of hundreds of guests on my sister’s wedding, burning myself with iron/ presser, numbness in my body when someone would disagree with me and the urge to hurt the people around me (I even almost hit a friend with a brick but I honestly think that was not because of my mental health instead it was because he was annoying)
Currently, I’m taking medication and I take weekly therapy. I feel better now.
Now I know, you don’t have to be perfect, to err is human and we all are beautiful humans who learn from their mistakes. This is just how life works. If someone demands perfection from you then tell them that you’re a human not an animated character that does, perfectly, what it is made to do___ entertain others and satisfy their appetite for joy.
Now, I know my weaknesses and imperfections.
I know I can’t change my past and the effects it had on me. I can’t go back and turn all the wrongs into rights. I know I was meant to be here and I am. I’ve learnt to accept my failures that led me to this position and this university surrounded by the people who are amazing in one way or another…. And there’s no where else I’d rather be.