Suicide and Regret..

She’s running as fast as she can, out of breath gasping loudly. Her thundering footsteps can be heard from half a mile away. Her hair pulled back and face as pale as the sun on a scorching noon. The tears dripping from her eyes making her vision blurrier and foggier.

She reaches home, runs upstairs and rushes into her room like a ragging storm. Slamming the door behind her she collapses on the floor and stays there for what seemed like forever. The carpet hair brushing against her left cheek while her eyes are busy in the task of pouring rain upon them. Her gaze is fixed and her eyes are not moving. If someone would see her like that they would think that she has passed out. The time bomb starts ticking in her head. She starts feeling worthless, ugly, unimportant… anything but beautiful and valuable. Her wrists start itching again for the seventh time in this week and it is only Wednesday.

As she’s struggling to get on her knees, her eyes shift to a brownish splotch on the carpet near her. She narrows her eyes to get a vivid image of whatever that spot is.

“What’s that?” she asks herself.

She crawls closer to the stain and looks at it carefully.

“Blood…” the word comes out of her mouth.

She remembers that was the place where she collapsed yesterday just like this and then she cut herself to bleed out the frustration at that very spot. It was like déjà vu. That’s what was happening to her over and over again. She had been told by people on internet that she would get better but she never felt like she was recovering or improving because she was not the one at fault it was the people surrounding her who were. She recollects the time when she got blood on the corner of her white bed sheet and had to clean the whole thing; the time Sierra sat in her lap and the freshly harmed thighs started bleeding through the band-aids and the blood caressed the inside of her favorite blue jeans to the point that it was almost visible.

“Thank God Mom didn’t see it though…” she thought.

Suddenly a recurring thought of hers visited her again. She thought her Mom wouldn’t care in fact no one would. She thought her family was better off without her. This thought had started becoming stronger after the day she talked to her mother about this.

“Get over it sweetie. It’s just hormonal and yeah you’re in your teenage. It happens to most of the girls your age. It’s common you’ll be fine.” Mother said.

“But Maa, it’s a mental illness and mental illness requires medical help. There’s something wrong with me.” She replied.

“That’s just a phase of teenage where girls do all this to get attention and honey I think you’re just craving attention because “depression is the new cool” right? Just go to your room and do your homework”

She’s brought back from the afflicting memories by the sound of her cat, Eleanor scratching her door. She opens the door and lets her in. The cat jumps to the bed and she lies beside her.

“Hey Ellie! You love me, right?” She asks stroking her soft fur.

“Right Ell?”

The cat lets out a meow.

“I love you too Eleanor” she says as her voice cracks.

“I’m living a slow painful death…” she whispers “One day I’ll be able to end it all at once instead of bleeding slowly to death everyday… ”

She stands up and looks at herself in the mirror. The image of an ugly-outside-broken-inside girl staring back at her. She walks to the washroom door and stands there for a moment and stares at Eleanor with tears in her eyes she says “Ell You’re my only friend…” as she closes the door to never open it again.

She finally was brave enough to end the throbbing pain all at once.

 

As the stimuli that provoked her death wrote R.I.P on her facebook timeline.

Author’s Note: When someone tells you about their condition don’t abandon them just because you don’t understand what they feel because how can the sun know what darkness feels like? You might be happy and healthy. Everyone isn’t like that. Don’t just tell them to get over it instead help them recover. It’s better to walk through hell with someone who needs you than to wander in heaven uselessly.

And my dear friends I am not promoting suicide. I want to minimize it. I’ve said it before I’ll say it again

SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER!

A Letter To My Death.

Dear Death,

What is it like being feared, Dear Death? I know you are the most hated occurrence of this world. You creep up on a person like a wolf in the dark forest. You hurt like a rotten and infected wound. You leave taking our most loved possession like snatching a toy from a lonely and helpless child in the playground.  As humans we bruise ourselves again and again and leave it up to time to heal the scratches and scars but you, you damage us so much that even time, the best healer of all, doesn’t seem to be able to heal the wounds you make and we bleed to death.

I have come to know that this world is a beautiful illusion and we all are visitors staying here temporarily. We build an uncanny fondness of this illusive world and the way of life we have, oblivious of what tomorrow holds.

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You wanna know why everyone fears you? Because you are inevitable.

You were there when we born. We were told that everyone has to die the moment we started understanding words. There is no escape from you. No one can cheat you. You make us realize that life is not just a game. We will never be able to start all over again. Once life starts it starts and you taught us that we certainly cannot bring ourselves back to life after our life percentage drops to 0% We only get one life and that’s it. There are no cheats like the video games where no matter how many times we get our ass kicked we get back to the mission and save lives; where we get as many shots as we want. You make us realize the harshness of reality, how we only have one shot at life. You make us realize that one day we’ll escape this illusion, either contended or not and we’ll never return; never breathe again. You will come looking for us no matter how much we hide and you’ll find us. You’re inevitable.

From the moment we are born, we begin to die.

-Janne Teller

You wanna know why everyone fears you? Because you are unpredictable.

Scientists say that an average human life span is about 60-65 years, 63 years to be exact. That’s an average only. Many young people die every day and there are lots of people above 70 who are healthy and are enjoying their lives. Even a one year old boy is not safe from your toxic ability to deprive him of his soul. Nobody is safe. Sometimes a guy with 60 broken bones survives an accident and sometimes a perfectly healthy girl dies because of eating wrong anti-biotic.  No one can predict his or her death. You come out of anywhere, anytime and in any form; a chronic disease, an accident, over-dosage, nature… anything but what we predicted. You’re unpredictable.

You wanna know why everyone fears you? Because you are ruthless.

You just come out of nowhere, tie our souls and swing them up your shoulder and leave. Leaving people there to grieve and mourn in disbelief of being deprived of their loved ones. You ruin houses. You tend to take away the only person earning in the family or the youngest and the most loved ones. You take away one’s parents just when one needs them the most. You take away one person and scar the rest of the family. You’re a ruthless and utterly terrifying reality.

Not everyone hates you.

Some people think of their lives as hell and the only possible way to escape this hell is to die? They wish of you all the time.

What they don’t know is that ancient humans thought that earth was straight because a person standing on a mountain saw the world as a plain area stretched to all lengths but they were wrong, now we know. There’s more to everything; two sides of a coin. Maybe this experience will be like out of one hell to another? How will you escape that? There’s no death of a dead person right? So the people who wish to call the Grim Reaper and those who are actually trying to arrange a meeting with him should know that grass is always greener on the other side and we will never know how many poisonous bugs live in that green grass till the right time comes.

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So death I’ll not request you to pay a visit just because I’m having a rough few months but I want you to come after I pull myself together and make it through this. So that you can applaud my achievement.

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All Picture Credits: Google.

He was selfish yet so selfless.

She grabs a cup from the neatly arranged cupboard and pours hot dark coffee in it and walks to the window.

It’s raining outside.

She stands there staring outside. She was never an adventurer, she was an admirer. She would rather stay cuddled up in her bed for 5 days than to go to Taylor Swift’s concert even if she got the tickets for free. She sips her coffee and tugs on a strand of hair that was resting on her shoulder. For the last few months the only world she had known was the one that was visible to her from her window. She was fully aware of the fact that one day she’ll have to walk out of the door and make friends with these creatures called humans who she had not had any encounter with for 4 months now. Of course her Mom and Dad came to visit her but she wouldn’t open the door and they would leave all the food or groceries on her doorsteps that she’d later bring in because she would rather have food brought to her than to go to food herself. She was aware that she can’t live like this forever, hiding from the world, an imperial affliction drilling a hole in her heart with her shoulder burdened by the pressure of the entire emotional trauma that the dramatic and cinematic tragedy brought to her. She always thought something like this only happens in movies.

She suddenly feels a teardrop sliding down her left cheek. She hadn’t realized the tears built up in her eyes because she was too busy looking at the rain.

“No, not again… We have already been through this Jen. No more crying over that selfish shell of a man who just… Who just…”  She whispers to herself,”…disappeared…Just like that.”

She wipes the tear and lets out a sigh, diverting her attention back to the rain. She was never the kind of person who liked rain. She had never played in rain or jumped in a puddle of water not even as a kid. She liked observing it from a distance. She absolutely hated it primarily because it reminded her of him, her childhood best friend. Her best friend since she was 3.

“Well, you can hate it as much as you want but I will always love rain.” He said.

“What’s so special about it? I mean all it does is ruin cities, roads… hair, MAKEUP! It’s a way of destruction…” She replied, frustrated.

“No, Jenna… It’s universe’s way of crying. The universe cries when this pure world gets swamped by the monstrous sins of human beings. When the number of sins exceeds the filth holding capacity of the world, it washes them away through this holy water dripping from the sky…”

She remembered every single word he had said to her. It had been 4 months today but she still saw him standing by the kitchen door trying to hold those little jittering giggles while she was trying to figure out how to make pasta and almost burnt the whole house down.

A smile hits her lips.

4 months and she’s still wearing the ring he gave her on the way back home the last time they met. Little did they know that was the last time they were ever to hold hands.

She bites her bottom lip and looks away from the window. 

She had vivid memory of every moment she had spent with him but there was only one thing, one memory that she wanted to erase from her mind and that was the day when he came back home.

Laying in front of her eyes, his body wrapped in the flag of the country, his friends in uniform surrounding him with their guns up high. Sound of his mother crying at the top of her lungs while she just stood there with her head down unable to comprehend what had happened.

It was raining that day too.

He had promised her that they’ll get married as soon as he’ll come back from war. He broke his promise.

He was selfish that he scarified his life for his country and never cared about her. He was selfish for caring about his own wish more than her dreams. His wish was finally granted and there she stood mourning in disbelief deprived of the one and only person she had ever loved.

HE WAS THE MOST SELFLESS PERSON SHE HAD EVER KNOWN YET STILL SO SELFISH.

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